Because its on sale, and having just requested my refund after one of the worst gaming experiences of my life, I am going to offer this one proactively and pro bono/sans request. For the good of the community/
Lets Talk About Hitman:
That’s a fitting intro, talking about this game. Talk plays an important role in Hitman.
Basically, this is a game for the six people on the planet who actually ENJOYED Assassins Creed Eavesdropping missions. Its a game consisting mostly of walking around largely uninteresting modern set pieces you’d never get to - or really WANT to - visit in real life, listening to people talk, until the game tells you that you have revealed an “opporunity” you might use to kill a target.
Once a conveniently scripted opportunity presents itself, you have the privilege of walking some more. Generally in the direction the game tells you to go. Occasionally you get to walk while crouched as opposed to standing upright - the universal “sneak mode” that most children refer to as Duck Walking and find hilarious - and you can even glue yourself to cover like in a third person shooter, except with much less reliability and a tendency to come unglued without the need to use a button, whether you want or expected to, or not.
Not that that matters, because mostly, you will simply walk. Following scripted prompts. Until you get to knock someone out and take their costume, dressing up Ken doll style in record time, and then…yep, you guessed it…walking some more.
All of this is punctuated by brief moments - we are seriously, without exaggeration talking seconds here, at most - of something a person might consider game play: knocking someone out (more a quick time event than game play); poisoning a drink or sabotaging equipment (which amounts to watching a brief animation play out, but hey, at least its not a hacking mini game), and occasionally, if you have REALLY messed up, fighting or shooting someone. In perhaps the clunkiest fashion possible.
Look, I’m sure lots of people probably think Hitman is a great game. A master class of Stealth and Assassination game play. And I am happy they enjoy it. And happy for them in general, since going outside and taking a walk around a park or a large museum can literally recapture 98% of what they enjoyed about this game, making this possibly the most replayable game experience in history.
Which would be grand, if it were any FUN at all.